I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Pants are for mortals
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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