before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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