Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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