I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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