I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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