I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
