I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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