Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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