No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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