I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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