You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
