Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
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