We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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