you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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