The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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