I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
