theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Never underestimate the power of titties
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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