So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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