i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
