Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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