I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
