i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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