I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
