my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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