I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
