You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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