someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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