Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
no more duck duck goose at the bar
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
