you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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