At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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