her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
