just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
