I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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