dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
