I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
