If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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