Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
