So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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