I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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