I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
