I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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