You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
