My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
