You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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