Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
