I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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