my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
