She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
