Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
