People in love make me want to vomit
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
