You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
