Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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