That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
